The name of the game
by Strange Music
Summary: Sometimes facing your dreams can be the the world 3rd and hardest thing in last part sligh f/f slash


**_Third part in the "It's a straight world without Twists" Series. First Part "A little fall of rain" Second part "She's like the Wind"_**

1998 I wrote:

Exactly 2 years ago - 

I said to a friend of mine that I would never read Slash.

_3 weeks later I had read my way through about 300 Stories._

I told her that I would never write Slash

_1 month later, I finished my first Story_

I told her I would never write a NC-17 Scene

_4 month later I wrote a PWP (After all I had a bet to keep)_

I told her that I would never read f/f

_6 weeks ago I discovered Sailor-Moon's Haruka and Michiru_

I told her after the first week that I would never write f/f

_Yesterday I finished my second story, and there is a third one being written_

_ _

Today, she asked me one the phone when I would write my first f/f NC-17 Scene 

_you know what.......I didn't even bother anymore to say no. Even when right now I don't even have the slightest intention to write one._

_ _

_But don't worry, No NC-17 rating for this story. A bare PG. or PG-13 depending on how queasy you are._

**_ _**

Well today date is 03.06.2000 and I finally managed to finish the story the story: RL made it a bit hard to work on the story 

**_ _**

**_************************************************************************_**

_ _

_I was an impossible case_

_No-one ever could reach me_

_But I think I can see in your face_

_There's a lot you can teach me_

_So I wanna know.._

_ _

_What's the name of the game?_

_Does it mean anything to you?_

_What's the name of the game?_

_Can you feel it the way I do?_

_Tell me please, 'cause I have to know_

_I'm a bashful child, beginning to grow_

_ _

_And you make me talk_

_And you make me feel_

_And you make me show_

_What I'm trying to conceal_

_If I trust in you, would you let me down?_

_Would you laugh at me, if I said I care for you?_

_Could you feel the same way too?_

_I wanna know........._

**_ _**

**_The name of the game_**

_ _

Why can't life be black and white?

Why can't your goal be easy to reach?

Why can't all troubles stay away?

Why can't decisions be easy?

Maybe because if it would be

we wouldn't appreciate the colors as we see them

appreciate our goals when we reach them 

and live with our decisions as we make them

Maybe we need all this to live our live to the fullest.

Maybe we need all this.....to *be* alive

Prologue

_ _

_Sometimes I close my eyes and dream. _

_ _

_I am not sleeping._

_ _

_But I am not awaken either._

_ _

_I am, what you could call, drifting._

_ _

_Between the Fantasy and the Reality._

_ _

_Between the would have, could have and should have been._

_ _

_Right there, where all this crosses, right there I stay to rest and load on whatever energy I need._

_ _

_For many year it had been the only place I required. Till you came. And with one glance showed me how alone I have been without even knowing._

_ _

Part 1

Letter's 

At least a doucend of them. I can't be sure.

After all it is hard to keep them all in mind, it only starts getting easier when we get to the amount that I really sent to you.

But then again,0 is not really a hard number to keep in mind.

And all those speeches...do you know how many hours I spent thinking about the things I wanted to say to you. 

I would be surprised if you did, because you never heard even an word from them

2 month 

2 month had passed since I made up my mind, however, that only thing that I had done, was destroy the environment with unnecessary trashing of paper.

_ _

I admit it, after those brave words, well, with everything going on around us, it was just so much safer to fall into safe pattern that we had established. 

So why rocking the boat, if I am sitting inside as well.

Okay, there are those time, where I simply wonder what keeps you with me. Not Uranus and Neptune. I mean as Michiru. What keeps you with me when I am.....well....me.

There are so many people out there who could offer you the same product with an less troublesome wrapping.

Still it is this fact that give me hope.

That there might indeed be a future for us.

Part 2

"I didn't know you where at home." 

Michiru's voice rang clear though the flat. There the soft sound of shopping bags being sat down and than the one of steps coming closer.

"The car was having trouble, they told me that it might take till late today......it wasn't use waiting" I felt her hand on my shoulder as she bowed over it, to see what I was doing. "Homework.....Ms Haruka Tenou is doing Homework instead of spending her time at the Track. The end of the world must be closer than we think." She smiled as she hugged me lightly. And for a short moment nothing else mattered.

"So....be honest...they had to throw you out"

I held my breath and only exhaled when I realized that she hadn't meant to come that close to the truth. That she had just meant it as a joke. It wasn't possible that she had heard, none of the guys would think about calling her because of such a little thing."Everything all right?" My long silence seemed to have gotten her attention.

"Sure...I am just tired. You know that bookkeeping had never been my favorite" 

"Tell me about it.....You wouldn't be half as good if I wouldn't keep waking you up during lesson"

"Smart mouth!"

"At least I am smart at something" she laughed as she left the room in quick steps. Only barley missed by the paperball that I threw at her.

She wasn't supposed to knew the real reason that I was at home early today. That the car was fine....the trouble was with the driver. A driver that barely missed a pole today because she wasn't able to concentrate. Michiru knew that I had slept badly during the last few days...after all she heard roaming around in the living room at an hour that was both very early and very late. The only thing that she didn't know was that it wasn't nervousity because of the big race on Sunday, but rather nightmares that kept me up.

If things kept up the way they were...I wasn't even sure if I would be able to drive by then. The body needed more than 3 hours sleep a night to function especially with the jobhours that we kept. 

Only how, I didn't know. How I should be able to go back to sleep, after waking up with sweat on my face and my heart and my thoughts racing. It wasn't the same nightmare every time, they were different.Sometimes she died in my nightmares, many times because it was my fault and I hadn't been able to protect her. Sometimes we had never met, and I watched her walk by without recognizing me. And sometimes I saw her with someone else...walking hand in hand with a happy smile on her face. Waving over at me and then walking away.

That's what all dreams had in common...she always left and in the end I stayed behind alone.

I always go over in her room for a minute afterwards. To watch her sleep and make sure, she was still there. It was luck that had kept her asleep during those precious moments in the dark, so that she never knew.

Afterwards I spent the hours with reading and writing. I even do my homework. Which makes my teachers the only people happy with the situation. If I would now also stop arguing with them every time I am right and they are wrong,they might even start to like me. 

"Haruka...you coming for dinner?" I nodded, even thou I knew she wasn't able to see it and stood up to go into the kitchen.

Maybe tonight I would be able to find a solution for my problems. 

*-*-*-*

Well, I didn't solve my nightmares that night. 

And what was even worse the next time I saw them....I was wide awaken.

I had just returned from Math Class when I saw her in the Cafeteria.

For a few seconds I waited for my heart to stop.....but it didn't, even thou the pain made me wish for it.

'I know you like to play Michiru, but why do you want to play with me, with my heart?'

I could see my answer, standing once more at her side

It was that boy that boy again. This time he was standing at her side. Looking at her, with a gaze in his eyes that spoke of love.

How dare he?

What right had he to look at her like that?

It pained me more than anything else when I realized that he had every right, and I had none. 

Why? 

The answer was easy. Because he was what society thought was right. While I stood for everything that was wrong. 

He was the one that you parents would want you to bring home. 

Green eyes, brown hair, a brilliant smile and a winning personality.

Not some blond girl, with the personality of a tomboy.

With him, they would congratulate you on your love, wishing you a long happy life with him.

Arriving with me, would, in the best case get you a quick trip to the Psychiater. And in the worst case.....Not even in my mind I can say it. 

In the worst case would take away your family and everyone you loved. Because of who you loved.

And this is called justice.

How can one love be true and the other one not?

And who can truly be the judge. 

None of them. None of them can see in my heart and see the feeling that I have for you, and then say that they are *wrong*. So why do they try. 

I don't understand.

I will never understand.

Ever. 

I left before she could see me. There was a car with my name on it, a way to forget .

*-*-*-*

Another night..

Another nightmare. Only this time it was reality I saw. Saw her as he stood at her side...saw her reaching for his hands. I ran toward her this time. Taking her hands away from him forcing her to look into my eyes.

Her gaze unknowing she looked at me as if she didn't know me. Had forgottenwho I was. A gaze that held only ice and a face drawn to a sneer. As if I should be in jail for forcing her away from him. Then she took her hands away and laid them around his neck Taking him down for a kiss.......

I woke up, my heart racing. It took a few seconds till I was able to distinguish reality from dream. The sight that came from my lips when I realized that she was still here sounded more than a sob.

'So here I am' the freak, in love with the most beautiful girl in the world. Made you think of 'The Phantom of the Opera'

'Didn't he at least get a kiss' I thought while a smile appeared on my lips, 'or a I confusing that now.' 

I knew deep my heart, that if I tried, Michiru would fall in love with me. But did she deserve a life like this. A life on display. The life where everybody had an option on.

My team had accepted rather well when they had found out I was a girl. I had to tell them. It was either that or letting me being dragged of to the hospital for having the monthly *inconvenience* .

They took it rather well...and I think having accepted that they would take everything else as well...but I don't know how the others would react....how they would all react.

I knew that it wasn't much use trying to sleep again.

So I reached over to the nightstand and took up the book that I put there only three hours ago.

Part 3

Of all the days to visit me during training....I'll never knew why she picked that particular one to surprise me.

Maybe if I had known, I wouldn't have gotten in that car or maybe would have driven more carefully. So..... all that I wanted was to feel the speed, and for the moment forget my problems and nightmares.

The accident itself hadn't been my fault...but it was my fault that I didn't prevent it. And in normal times that wouldn't have been a problem. But the exhaustion had started to slow even *my* reactions.

Only for a moment but it was enough...enough to loose the precious seconds that would have prevented my collision with the other car. I saw it coming toward me and then only blackness

*-*-*-*

Light?

I saw sunlight through my closed eyelids.

And for the a few seconds I was relived. Thinking that for the first time I had slept long enough to be waking up in the morning.

"Haruka?" It was so good to feel her hand on my cheek and her voice whispering my name. It would be so easy, getting used to it. 

"Haruka, please answer me!" it was the worries in her voice that made me realized that something was wrong. 

Then, that instead of the soft linen there was hard concrete underneath meAnd the fact that even my hair short as it was, seemed to hurt.

I opened my eyes, yet still to confused to really concentrate on any singly thought. 

Her face was bowed over mine and as looked at her I could see a few of those lines that had marked her face soften. But not all, a few remained even thou a slight smile started to appear. 

"Haruka stay still, the doctor is on his way"

"NO!" I didn't want to say it out quiet that loud, but the shocked expression on her face told me that I did. "I am sorry, I mean, I am fine" Trying to underline my words by sitting up unfortunately only gave right to Michiru's point of view. 

But she understood what I meant, sometimes being a Sailor Warrior didn't only have it's disadvantages.

She quietly helped me up and brought me to the next bench. The moment I saw my car, or rather what had been left of it, I understood her initial worries. I was a wonder alone that I had come out of it alive much more with as little injuries as I had.

So thanks to my other day-time-job I had gotten away rather well. Hurting shoulders that could have beendislocated. Aching Legs that could have been broken. Tender rips that could have been more than just bruised and a concussion...well I seems like I am stuck with the concussion.

But that too had it's advantages. Like right now...when I was able to see my love not once but twice.

A soft sigh told me that she knew what was going on......either that or the rather cross eyed look that I must be giving her.

"She is allright" I heard her tell the others and then I felt myself being dragged up. It was another sight that I wasn't feeling great when I let her drive without even the slightest objection.

Then again....Me and my concussion were rather much to happy simply watching her.

*-*-*-*

The next thing I knew, was that I was propped up in bed. Clothing still on, but down to the most necessary things

I smelled her perfume....and I think that I heard her watch TV in the living room.

Then injuries and exhaustion took over and I fell asleep.

*-*-*-*

I watched myself in the mirror. Surprised to find all signs of injuries already gone. Having suspected them to take at least more days to disappear completely. But I didn't even feel them anymore.

My clothing lay on the couch, she must have left them there yesterday. The big watch on the wall told me that School wouldn't be an option for another hour and I hoped that I had managed to get rid of that strange numb feeling till then.

The bell rang and I went to open it.

The face that greeted me, made me wish it would have just been an concision induced Fantasy. But it wasn't. He stood there in front of my face, as if for all the world her belonged there.

I wanted to slammed my fist into his smug face, but I felt like was to shocked to move. And then I felt her push me aside to get through to the door. So beautiful in her dress. Yet she didn't seemed to see me as she raised her head to kiss him.

Then finally she turned to me "I am sorry Haruka...he asked me to marry him and I said yes. Wouldn't want our baby to grow without a father"

"No please stay...just for a little while....No please....please..."

"Haruka"

*-*-*-*

"Haruka"

"Haruka…wake up" 

I felt myself shacking and I was too confused to do more than cling do her arms and hold on for dear live. Michiru was still here, she hadn't left me. "Don't leave me...don't leave me" I whispered as I felt tears run down my cheeks "I love you Michiru....more than life itself ...Please don't leave me"

"It's a nightmare Haruka....just a nightmare. Go back to sleep" Not caring for anything else than the fact that she was at my side I obeyed and closed my eyes.

*-*-*-*

When I woke up the next day I had the slight memory of being woken up during the night. But it was all just a blur.

I remembered that she was at my side comforting me and I remembered…I remembered….damn. I remember telling her those three words that I have tried to avoid for so long. Well at l east that would explain her absence.

Well no turning back time now. Might as well get up and face the music. 

However after those brave words it started v4ery soon with the first problemsas getting up and in cloth proved to be harder than I thought. Mainly because unlike in my dreams, my body still very well remembered yesterdays events and was still complaining rather openly about them. Finally the trousers and shirt closed I made my way into the living room, happy once again in my live that wearing a bra wasn't really necessary in my case. As I didn't think that I would have been able to manage that task quit as easily.

My heart sinking further as the living room proved to be empty as well. With cracks starting to spread as the rest of the house followed.

Why was it called heartache…when it really was you stomach that was aching. In that sort of pain that no painkiller could take away. At least not in the regular amounts.

It was better not to follow up that kind of thought.

The sound of a door brought my attention back to the presents.

Only short time till I had to face whatever awaited me. 

What could I say…that I had been feverish, that I didn't mean what I had said. I couldn't. It wasn't the truth. 

And I would never be able to lie to Michiru. 

"Haruka" there was slight scolding in her voice as she came round the corner to where I sat on the floor "You shouldn't be out of bed yet. And especially shouldn't be sitting down there."

"I am sorry Michiru." I didn't know what else to say. 

"You don't have to be sorry…just get up. And spare yourself the cold that you would otherwise get." I didn't get the smile she was wearing, while she was putting the shopping bags down.

Was she giving me a chance to pretend nothing had happened? Should I take it? Did I want to take it?

"Haruka"

"Sorry." Slowly I stood up, still feeling the pain as I made a few stumbling steps while my feet got used to being walking again.I hadn't realized the time that must have passed while I had sat there.

So this was my way out. Her way out.

Back to the way we where before.

I couldn't do it, I realized as I hung my head low.

Stopping in the middle of the living room I turned around "Michiru?"

"Yes?"

"I can't do this"

For a moment I saw the worries in her face as she though that I meant, walking the way to the living room. Only to be replaced by one of her mystic smiles

"Can't do what?"

"You know very well what I mean. What I said last night. I can't just pretend that I didn't say it." I close my eyes "And I can't pretend that I didn't mean it. I wish I could. *Believe* me. I tried during the last months. Telling myself that it will never be possible. That you could never love me the way I do.I mean I know that you love me, but in a way different from mine. But I can't change. I love you Michiru. And I don't think that I will ever change that."

"That's good. Because I wouldn't want you to change it."

My jaw must have hit the floor. What did she mean?

"I love you too"

The rest of my body followed my jaw as I once again found myself sitting on the floor.

Her hand stroke softly over my cheek "Didn't I tell you that sitting on the floor is bad for you." She teased, but I could tell that it was only halfhearted.

I tried to speak but all I managed was to open and close my mouth with nothing more than hot air coming out.

And maybe it was right that way. There was no room for words as she leaned forward and kissed me.

Maybe later we would talk about everything. 

Maybe then we would find the words that he hadn't told each other for so long.

Or maybe it would be enough knowing.

Knowing that she loved me the way I did.

Knowing that for all the time missed, there was still so much time ahead of us.

Because at this time that was all that counted.

The ENNNNNDDD

Phew…two Writer's block during this short story… Must be a record. Anyway. That was the last of the three Parter ;)


End file.
